Bailes no tuvības

Daudzi cilvēki domā, ka intīmas attiecības attiecas tikai uz seksuālo aktivitāti. Lai arī intimitāte iekļauj sevī seksuālās aktivitātes, tomēr tas ir daudz plašāks jēdziens. Intimitāte saistīta ar būtiskiem neseksuāliem attiecību aspektiem tādiem kā cieņa, mīlestība, emocionāla atklātība, saistības, pašcieņa, komunikācija un laipnība. Arī fiziskajās attiecībās ir daļa, kas nav seksuāla, piemēram tuva sēdēšana, mīļš pieskāriens, apkampiens, glāsts. Cilvēki, kuriem ir grūtības intīmo attiecību veidošanā, izjūt grūtības arī šādā fiziskā saskarsmē.
Grūtības intīmās attiecībās ir diezgan izplatītas. Tās var ietekmēt dažāda veida attiecības, kurās parasti rodas tuvība, piemēram, romantiskas attiecības.
Kā izpaužas šīs grūtības?
- Tev grūti būt atklātam ar cilvēkiem, jo ir sajūta, ka tad, ja būsi atklāts, tevi atstums, nerūpēsies par tevi, domās, ka esi dīvains u. tml.
- Tu izvairies apspriest neērtas tēmas ar draugiem, tuviem cilvēkiem.
- Tu esi atturīgs, baidoties sevi atklāt.
- Tu labāk jūties noteiktās, formālākās lomās.
- Tev grūti būt spontānam.
- Iespējams, ka tad, kad izsaki kādu nepieciešamību vai vēlmi, tev ir tieksme izmantot bērnišķīgu runas veidu.
- Dažbrīd tu ļoti daudz sagaidi no tuvības un tev grūti izturēt to, ka citi cilvēki vēlas ieturēt distanci.
- Tu jūti, ka veids, kā tu sazinies ar apkārtējiem, tos attālina, ka viņi no tevis distancējas.
- Tu jūties vientuļš.
Kādi varētu būt iemesli?
Ģimene, kurā esam uzauguši, ietekmē to emocionālās intimitātes apjomu, ar kuru varam justies komfortabli. Ja ģimenē bijis ierasts izpaust savas izjūtas, tad visticamāk, ka cilvēks gūs prieku no tuvības ar citiem. Tomēr var būt arī tā, ka ģimenē ļoti tuvo attiecību dēļ cilvēks pēc tam var vairīties no tuvības, jo paredz, ka tuvībā varētu būt zināma mēra uzmācība. Piemēram, ja attiecības kļūst ļoti tuvas, otrs var sākt rīkoties tā, lai radītu distanci ar otru cilvēku.
Ja ģimenes locekļi bijuši stipri distancēti un jutušies tā, ka tiem jāslēpj savas sajūtas, tad šie cilvēki otram var sevi negribīgi atklāt vai gluži pretēji – viņiem var piemist tik izteikta nepieciešamība pēc tuvības, ka viņi sāk likties pārmēru prasīgi, sagaidot daudz uzmanības.
Otrs nozīmīgs faktors, kas ietekmē komforta izjūtu tuvībā ir agrākā pieredze. Ja ir piedzīvota trauma, (piemēram, pārciesta varmācība, pazemojums, uzbrukumi), tad paļāvība un uzticēšanās citiem ir apgrūtināta. Var būt, ka neskatoties arī uz šo pieredzi, jūs pārāk viegli uzticaties un tad atkārtoti atklājat, ka esat nonākuši neveselīgās attiecībās, jo nepietiekami esat izvērtējuši tās pazīmes, kas varēja jūs brīdināt un pasargāt no tālākām negatīvām attiecībām.
Vēl viens faktors, kas ietekmē komforta izjūtu tuvībā, ir dzimums. Sievietes, kopumā ņemot, tiecas pēc lielākas emocionālās intimitātes, nekā vīrieši. Tas varbūt rodas no tā, ka sievietes socializējoties vairāk orientējas uz attiecībām, bet vīrieši uz lielāku neatkarību.
Arī kultūrvide ietekmē to intimitātes apjomu, ar kuru cilvēks jūtas komfortabli. Dažas kultūras māca brīvāk izpaust sevi, citas māca būt atturīgākiem.
Cilvēki ar intīmo attiecību grūtībām parasti atpazīst šīs problēmas kā noturīgas un tādēļ izjūt izolētību. Bet persona var satikt tādu romantisko partneri, kurš palīdz tai kļūt atklātākai un var palīdzēt šajās grūtībās.
Ko vari darīt savā labā:
- Vispirms jātiek skaidrībā par savām bailēm no intimitātes. Pamanot, ka tev piemīt šī problēma, tu mazāk atstumsi citus.
- Svarīgi uzlabot savas komunikāciju iemaņas, komunicēt konstruktīvi, nevis destruktīvi. Piemēram, cilvēks, kurš allaž vispārina, otram sakot: „tu vienmēr”, „tu nekad”, „vai tu kādreiz nevarētu”, šim partnerim rada izjūtu, ka viņam uzbrukts, viņš tiek iztaujāts, liek aizsargāties, pierādīt, tā it kā viņš vai viņa izvairītos. Ja jūs tomēr mēģināsiet būt atklātāks un godīgāks pret savām izjūtām, pasakot: „tas man liek justies ....kad tu...”, otram cilvēkam būs vieglāk dzirdēt to, kas notiek un to saprast, tādēļ ka tieša komunikācija, izsakot savas izjūtas un domas, veicina intimitāti.
Kad vajadzētu meklēt palīdzību
Ja jūti, ka, lai arī kā tu pūlētos, neizdodas izveidot nozīmīgas attiecības un secini, ka intimitātes grūtības varētu būt saistītas ar agrāko dzīves pieredzi, tad jāvēršas pēc palīdzības.
Kāda veida palīdzība varētu būt noderīga?
Atklāt tos rīcības veidus tavā verbālajā un neverbālajā komunikācijā, kas tevi distancē no citiem, vari gan individuālā, gan grupu terapijā. Terapija var palīdzēt tev pārvērtēt agrāko pieredzi, tās sekas, kas rada šķēršļus patreizējās attiecībās.
67 komentāri - Bailes no tuvības
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